Marriage Is Not What They Told Us — It’s Quieter, Deeper, and Much More Real

I used to believe marriage was a reward — like if you behaved well enough, God would hand you one perfect person to complete your life.

But that belief? It nearly broke me.

Because what nobody warned me about — especially growing up in Nigeria where weddings are louder than concerts — is that marriage isn’t magic.

It’s maintenance.
It’s not the honeymoon photos. It’s the arguments after the honeymoon.
It’s not “finding your missing rib.” It’s learning to live with the rib you found — day in, day out.

This is the story nobody tells in premarital counseling.
But I will.

Because across Africa, too many young people are entering marriage with expectations formed from Instagram, Nollywood, or the sweet-talking of married people who forget to tell you about the dry seasons.

So this is the truth — from someone who’s still in it, still learning.

“Marriage sweet o, but e no be pap wey you go just drink lie down.”
– My uncle, after 17 years with my aunty

Read Also – 10 Ways to Build a Good Relationship with Your Partner in 2025 (Without Losing Yourself)

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1. The Wedding Day Is a Movie. Marriage Is a Series

My wedding day was like a Nollywood Part 1:
Canopy, colours, spray money, prayers, kisses, photographers, and cheers.

My wife looked like something from a music video. I was shaking when she walked down. We danced, we posed, we laughed. Everyone clapped.

But nobody claps when you forget to buy gas on a Thursday night.
Nobody takes pictures when she’s crying because your mother said something harsh on the phone.

Marriage is not that one beautiful photo. It’s the 200 days where you feel invisible.
And the 60 days where love feels heavy.
And the 30 nights when only God is holding your home together.

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2. There Are Days You Will Regret It

Let me not lie.
There are days — not many, but real ones — where you will ask yourself, “Did I rush into this?”
Or “Why didn’t I just stay single and build my peace?”
You won’t say it aloud. But your heart will scream it.

One day, I left the house in anger and walked aimlessly around the street. I didn’t even know what I was angry about anymore. I just knew I felt unheard, and she felt unseen.

But guess what?
When I returned, she had left food for me on the table. No speech. Just a small sign.

Marriage is two people learning how to return — even when it hurts.

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3. Our Parents Didn’t Tell Us Everything

Let’s be honest. African parents — most of them — didn’t show us what intimacy in marriage looks like. We saw duty. Respect. Discipline. Roles.

But did we see affection?
Did we see apologies?
Did we see how to solve disagreements without threats?

Me, I never saw my father tell my mum “sorry.”
I thought men weren’t supposed to.
Until I got married and realized that “I’m sorry” is more powerful than “I’m the man here.”

Now, I say sorry quickly.
Because ego will give you a trophy and leave you sleeping alone.

Read Also – I Dated Someone Who Had a 3-Month Rule — What Happened Shocked Me

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4. You Must Unlearn and Relearn

In Africa, many of us were taught to endure marriage, not enjoy it.
Especially the women.

But modern marriage demands more.

• Men must learn that washing plates won’t reduce your manhood.

• Women must realize that submission doesn’t mean silence.

• Both partners must learn emotional fluency — how to say what you feel without throwing a grenade.

Marriage in 2025 is not 1975.
You must evolve, or you’ll be holding onto a type of marriage that no longer fits this generation.

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5. The Real Work Is After the Fight

Everybody fights.
But not everybody knows how to recover.

There was a day we argued about money — typical issue.
She felt I was being secretive. I felt she didn’t understand financial pressure. Voices were raised. Doors were shut.

But that evening, instead of sleeping in silence, she texted me from the living room:
“Please don’t let this one last till morning. I’m sorry.”

I cried. Literally. Because that’s what love looks like.

Marriage is not about winning arguments. It’s about preserving the connection.
Even when you’re both angry.

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6. Love Is Not a Feeling. It’s a Habit

Sometimes you’ll feel in love.
Other times, you’ll feel like roommates.

But here’s the thing:
Love isn’t supposed to be constant butterflies. It’s more like a quiet decision to stay, to try, to serve.

I learned to say “I love you” when she’s sick.
When she’s tired.
When I’m not in the mood.

Because real love is discipline — not desire.

Read Also- 10 Ways to Build a Good Relationship with Your Partner in 2025 (Without Losing Yourself)

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7. Don’t Compare Your Marriage

Your friend in Kenya says her husband cooks every night.
Your cousin in Ghana says her wife never argues.

Cool story.

But let me warn you:
Comparison is the thief of peace.
Your marriage is not a project to copy-paste from someone else’s.
What works in Accra may not work in Aba. What works for Emeka may not suit Bayo.

Customize your marriage like tailor-made Ankara.
Own it. Grow it. Protect it.

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8. Here’s what is most important

Here the real intimacy;

• Is in bathing her when he’s sick

• Is in holding him when he loses his job

• Is in listening to stories she’s told you five times

• Is in touching each other’s hearts, not just bodies

Talk more. Touch gently. Laugh plenty. That’s the recipe.

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9. In-Laws Are a Topic on Their Own

Ah. If I start here, we won’t finish.

But let me say this:
In Africa, you don’t just marry your spouse. You marry their family history, culture, expectations, and even their village group chat.

Learn to:

• Set boundaries with respect

• Stand by your spouse in public, correct in private

• Choose peace, not war

No matter how sweet your marriage is, in-laws can shake it if you’re not united. So be one front. Always.

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10. Pray Together — Even When It Feels Awkward

This is one lesson I won’t downplay.
We weren’t prayer warriors o. But over time, we realized that when we pray together, we hurt each other less.

Because prayer softens the heart.

Some nights, we just hold hands and say one line: “God, help us love better.”
It works.

Even if you’re from different denominations — Catholic, Pentecostal, Muslim — find unity in faith. Let God be the third partner in your marriage.

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11. Small Things Are the Big Things

Forget the Instagram quotes and love gurus.
Let me tell you what keeps a marriage alive in Africa:

• Buying her suya on your way home

• Gisting in the kitchen while beans dey boil

• Saying “thank you” even after 6 years

• Rubbing his head when he’s tired from work

• Noticing new hairstyles (bros, take note!)

It’s not the one big Dubai trip.
It’s the daily micro moments that stack into joy.

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12. Your Spouse Will Change. So Should You.

The person I married at 27 is not the person beside me today.
She’s grown.
I’ve grown.
Life has tested us — from miscarriage, to job loss, to relocation.

But every version of her, I’ve had to fall in love with again.
And she with me.

So don’t cling to “who they used to be.”
Embrace who they’re becoming.

That’s real love:
Loving someone through their evolution.

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Conclusion: So, What Is Marriage Really?

Marriage is not heaven. It’s not hell either. It’s a workshop.
Two flawed people, learning how to live, forgive, and keep choosing each other — without end credits.

And in this African context — where culture, family, expectations, and tradition pull in different directions — you must be intentional.

Because love alone is not enough.
It takes:

• Respect

• Prayer

• Patience

• Communication

• Humor

• And stubborn commitment

And when it works?
Ah, marriage can feel like peace in a noisy world.

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📌 FAQ ( Facts about Marriage in Africa)

Q: Is marriage hard work?
A: Yes, but it’s also rewarding work. It’s not about struggle; it’s about showing up for each other, daily.

Q: What kills most marriages in Africa today?
A: Unrealistic expectations, lack of communication, in-law interference, and social media comparison.

Q: How do I build a happy marriage?
A: Focus on friendship, stay humble, pray together, have honest conversations, and laugh often.

Q: Can love grow again after problems?
A: Absolutely. If both partners are willing, love can be rekindled stronger than before.